Excerpts from Women's Sexualities
Faking Orgasm - an excerpt from Chapter
Have you ever faked orgasm? If you have, think about all of the reasons
you had for doing that. If you have never faked orgasm, why not? Approximately
70 percent of the 2,311 women who provided Survey information about
faking orgasm had done so at least once. About three-quarters of those
who had ever faked had done so no more than fifty times, but some had
done it a lot. Nearly one in ten of those who had ever faked either
entered a number between 150 and 10,000 times or wrote in another answer
such as countless or a bazillion. One drew in an infinity
What is it that motivates these women to fake orgasms? They offered
a variety of reasons, which you will find in Chapter 10.
Facilitating and Enhancing
Orgasms - excerpt from Chapter 11
Think for a moment: If you're orgasmic, what - if anything - do you
do to facilitate the release of your orgasms? In the Survey, 2,371 women
marked one or more items as applying to them from a list of fourteen
So many women, born between 1916 and 1974, wrote in additional information
about how they reach orgasm that in Chapter 11. I am able to present
you with a smorgasbord of suggestions for increasing erotic pleasure
and enhancing your orgasmic potential. I have put their comments in
four categories: focus of attention; physical stimulation and techniques;
the setting and other sensory enhancements; and communication and interaction
with your partner.
Creating Erotic Pleasure
- excerpt from Chapter 13
Erotic pleasure is a composition of sensations. We can experience scents,
tastes, visual images, the varying qualities of the touches we give
and receive, feelings emanating from our muscles and internal organs,
and the voluntary and involuntary sounds made by ourselves and our partners.
Using our bodies and breath we can create and experience sexual energy,
pleasure, erotic feelings and sensations, feelings of love,feelings
of joy and the experience of oneness with another.
During sexual activity, your attention may shift between your sensations,
breathing, fantasies, mental impressions, and a variety of emotional
feelings. You can sense physical tension developing, expanding, and
releasing; you may notice sexual energy intensifying, moving and releasing.
You also may be aware of memories, judgments, performance expectations
and other mental images.
An erotic experience is a process in which one thing leads to another.
Descriptions of aspects of this process are included in Chapter 13 (Sexual
Choreography), together with specific suggestions you can use to enhance
Self Discovery and Shame
and Guilt - excerpts from Chapter 2
What are your earliest memories of body awareness and self-stimulation
for pleasure? For some girls, the first awareness of down there
- of having wonderful, magical, special genital feelings - involved
totally innocent discovery uncolored by any parental or social prohibitions.
Connie said: "The first crush on a man I ever had was on Moe of the
Three Stooges. I saw him on TV and was just in love with him and his
long hair with the bangs. I had this big teddy bear, almost as big as
me, and I remember humping this teddy bear at night thinking it was
Moe. I remember rubbing my genitals against it. I don't recall if I
had orgasms, but it felt great. That's a very clear memory. I couldn't
have been more than three years old."
Without words to label the experience, there is no judgment, only
curiosity and acceptance. The typical girl, however, develops a sense
of privacy around sensuality/sexuality at an early age. Doors are closed,
and sometimes impulses are inhibited; she becomes aware that the adults
around her aren't always comfortable with her explorations of pleasure.
Finding Our Way Through
Shame And Guilt
What do you remember of feeling shame, embarrassment and guilt in your
early childhood? It is likely that these feelings were important in
the formation and emerging of your sexual self. Emotions are body reactions
that we perceive and label with meaning. Our emotions prepare us to
act, or keep us from acting, and they provide us with vital information
for our survival and development.
Shame and guilt are social emotions. They serve to provide us with
awareness of social limits and reticence to act outside of them. Feelings
of shame and of embarrassment, a related feeling, play a significant
role in our socialization as we are growing up.
As adults, when we experience shame or guilt, we can understand that
these emotions mean that we are breaking some internalized rule. As
adults we can consider: Whose rule is it? Where did I get it? Does it
make sense for me to follow it? The young child is too limited in experience
to have this vantage point. Consider how Roberta changed her view over
time: "When I was real young - we were between four and seven - my brother
and some neighborhood kids played doctor and stuff, explored each other's
bodies. When I did it, it was just exploratory, but, over time, I was
ashamed of it. Now, I think it's just part of growing up."
In this brief description, Roberta leads us through the critically
important process of finding one's way to self-acceptance. From the
young girl's perspective, she engaged in innocent exploration. Later,
she became aware of social prohibitions and felt shame. Still later
she understood that it's just part of growing up and felt okay
about what occurred: That's just how it was.
Many of us grow up with a sense of shame about our curiosity-driven
early experiences of sexual exploration and experimentation, because
we have no way of knowing that so many others are having these experiences,
too. The many, many examples in this chapter demonstrate how typical and normal - most of these experiences are.
Teachings of Richard Olney - Excerpts from Chapter 14
The founder of Self-Acceptance Training, the late Richard (Dick) Olney,
described self©acceptance as "the experiencing of oneself physically,
intellectually and emotionally in any present moment without the inhibition
of simultaneous self evaluation, self criticism or self judgment." Dick
had many sayings of self-acceptance. Among them were these gems:
It's over, and that's the way it is.
Everything that has a beginning has an ending.
It's better to have a direction than to have a goal.
I learn by going where I have to go
I do the best I can, and my best is good enough.
There are three things I value: peace of mind, awareness of beauty,
I'm alive. I'm real.
Nothing ever stays the same. Everything changes.
Well, we'll just have to see what happens, won't we.
Here in the Hand of God I take my stand.
Remember to breathe.
Into Thy hands I commend my spirit.
Take my hand and we'll walk together.
Self-acceptance is experiencing what is happening right now without
being distracted by regrets or resentments about what has occurred in
the past or worries and catastrophic expectations about the future.
In sex, this might mean that you are enjoying what is happening right
this moment, not distracted by thoughts about this morning's argument
with your partner or concern that you might not reach orgasm.
Self-acceptance is a moment to moment possibility, not something anyone
has all the time. Self-acceptance is not the absence of negative feelings.
Self-acceptance is the acceptance of all your various feelings as sources
of information about your world and your experiences.
Self-acceptance is present when you experience such feelings as anger,jealousy,
fear, love, joy, or happiness fully when they occur and then let them
go. Letting them go allows you to be finished with that moment and ready
to experience the next moment's emotions. In Women's
Sexualities you will find many specific examples of women
finding their way to fuller acceptance of their sexual selves.
Tom Biesanz, who was a student of Richard Olney, has created a website
and Real that is dedicated to Dick's work. There you will find transcripts
of some of Dick's self-acceptance training lectures and sessions.
Your Self-Acceptance Sayings
If you have sayings of self-acceptance you would like to share with
others, write them here.
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